zelly momo's blog

Day 9

sitting in the littler waiting area - this is where we go after we change and before we get zapped. Talking to another woman, probably my mom's age. she and her daughter both have breast cancer, her daughter slightly before her. we were talking about how off the stats are, how many younger women have cancer. She told me that she has run in to several mother daughter pairs, about our ages.  Her final comment before she went in...seems like there's another gene for cancer that they havent found yet.

Now this statement drives a spike of fear into me. I assumed that this was an unfortunate anomaly and will be done. The thought of a gene induced cancer means...greater chance of recurrence.

I shall shortly stuff this far in to the back of my brain and ignore it.
I suppose I shall have to delete this post, so my external memory doesn't remind me either.

Oi.
7 days left, including today.

darn

skin starting to change and not in a good way.
ow.

Treatment 8 Complete

Half done. 50%. Two more weeks.

Why do they radiate the day after thanksgiving? It was pretty empty in there. It was also a bit depressing. I did not want to go this morning. Not that I don't feel like that most days. Not that I was busy being thankful yesterday, as I should have been. Disgruntled.

I love the word disgruntled, mostly because I want to start telling people i am gruntled on those occasions when I am not disgruntled. gruntled doesn't sound positive however. but i find something tasty about the word. gruntled. what if we were ALL gruntled? would we have peace on earth?

To finish yesterday's story...

Treatment 7. The fire alarms go off. They aren't the loud screeching kind, they are the strobe light kind with different patterns of sound, which I am certain means something, but not to me.

I'm waiting to be radiated and am not really happy that one may have to evacuate the building. I am only the fourth floor but cannot imagine how it is that all the very sick barely mobile people are moved out of the building.

A voice keeps coming over the loudspeaker and saying that an alarm has been triggered on the fourth floor and to please wait for further information.

There are security and police all over chatting amongst themselves as though the waiting patients were not around.

One says to another 'is it really a bomb scare? has the bomb squad been called in?' and they continue to walk and I hear nothing more. Now let me ask you ... who bombs a top cancer hospital? On the floor with radiation and chemo? what kind of mad do you have to feel to do such a thing?

Turns out it was not. It was a drill. I wonder if the lead lined rooms where we are radiated can withstand a bomb blast.

I seem to be behind

7 treatments down.

i spoke again with the radiation oncologist on tuesday. the level of exhaustion and pain i am feeling make her laugh in disbelief. i can live with that. im a bit of an anomaly apparently. too young, too healthy, too shapely (or perhaps it was in good shape), to be feeling as miserable as i do. they are all so shocked i keep expecting them to parade in other doctors to look at me.

they took a lot of blood to check cbc, iron count, etc to be sure they've not done something dreadful to me. they did not word it that way. this is my translation. alas, no response from the blood takers, so i suspect all was normal. i do get handed my chart to deliver elsewhere on tuesdays, so i read all the new pages. its rather interesting. i need one of those hand scanners. i suppose i could bring my camera and take photos. they would give me a copy if i asked, it just seems time consuming. all those pages to take out, xerox, and put back in.

my skin is not burning so far, which is lovely. i am using homeopathic lotions, which make the MSKCC nurses uncomfortable with me. they want me to use what they recommend. they do, however, admire my lack of burning, so perhaps they should begin to recommend what i am using. i am beginning to realize that this smell, of calendula, is one that i will not be able to tolerate later in life.

as i was waiting to go in to treatment seven, the fire alarm went off. oops hang on. a visit. back in a minute.

Actual Good News

so the original plan of treatment was 16 + 5.
this means 16 treatments to the entire area, 5 to a subset.

i only need the 16.
so 5 fewer which rocks.
looks like i will be done 6 december or so.

still totally kicking my butt.
ive never been this exhausted.
i can manage to sleep, eat, and get back and forth to the hospital.
well, eating is a lot of work.
beyond that...i do shower every day.

Day 3

not as full of anger.

Still get nice images/thoughts in my head during radiation.
day 1 - chernobyl
day 2 - dr strangelove
day 3 - 3 mile island, melty girl from hiroshima, oppenheimers quote on lord shiva the destroyer

fun stuff. guess i've never really noticed how strongly negative the cultural connotations of radiation are, but they certainly do bubble up when a linear accelerator is shooting you full of the stuff.

Day 2

sucks. just sucks. 

First full treatment

11am today. 

today i took the train to the hospital. it takes about 40 minutes, because of the walk from the train to the building. its pretty far east.  mostly it was fine. this is the first time i've been fully shot with radiation. they say nothing should feel, but *shrug* it feels. i suppose it could be in my head. i had the two regular techs who are responsible for me and today they had two students. so while they do the set up the show the students what and what. Lovely. more people staring and poking and evaluating.

then i was to see the doctor. i waited a bit and the nurse said the doctor wasnt going to see me because it was the first treatment.

tired, went home. my friend Jay stopped by with his daughter. I was video chatting with a friend, so she made some faces and didnt quite get how it worked. she is little though, too little get it.

they left around 3 and i had a walk. very tired, also in some pain, which is surprising. i was told the pain wouldnt start til a week to two weeks. definitely pain, swelling, heaviness, discomfort. also very warm to touch. took some advil. i guess i thought this wouldnt start so soon and im tired just thinking about this. though back to the earlier lessons...pain today does not guarantee pain tomorrow. so i shall try to let it go, and tomorrow is another day.

of course, i have to go back tomorrow.  not particularly interested in that. 
not a lot of choice. not going to be as easy as i thought, i guess, but when this phase is done, its all done.

Schedule

Nyet!

They won't give me one. The people who promised one are not the people who make them. The people who make
them make them Friday and let you know for the next week. No regular time. Not even an end date.

Even my wishful thinking didn't get me squat.